Mustard Tree

There are many kinds of abuse in relationships: physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, the abuse of a substance-addicted parent or spouse, the failure to set proper boundaries for children, the absence of structure, discipline and moral values.

But silence, or secrecy, is equally abusive. It often forms an aspect of another abusive relationship. So,  the child of an alcoholic parent never speaks of it. An abusing father or uncle swears a victim to secrecy. These are pictures of a forced silence, where the risk of openness could be life-threatening, where there is no safety.

But equally, silence or secrecy is a spousal relationship is incredibly damaging. The withholding of oneself from the legitimate emotional intimacies of a partner is a form of abuse in itself, possibly proving that old truth that abuse is something which is passed down family lines until someone decides to pass it on no further.

Women are usually the victims of their husbands' silence - we men are normally the ones who will not say how we feel, and who do the withholding. But it isn't always that way round. And in either case, it is poisonously corrosive to a relationship. If there is so much brokenness that even the spousal relationship is not a safe enough space to explore it, then external professional help is needed if the relationship is going to survive. It's unfair and impractical to expect a partner who has a vested interest in the outcome to provide the dispassionate help that is needed.

Don't wait. There are some wounds that time will never heal.